Dear Diary 6 ,
God, I am so angry with you! Once again, I am angry and I blame you for everything that is happening to me! I feel guilt and remorse for doing this, but on the other hand, I can't hold myself back! Justice and anger suffocate me like a hurricane, sweeping everything inside me! I have the need to place the blame somewhere to explain what am I doing so wrong to experience all this!
I feel the unbearable weight of what is happening as an injustice! On the other hand, yes, there are worse things out there than what I am having! But now this saying... this excuse is no longer enough for me. It doesn't satisfy me anymore! It doesn't reach me anymore! It's just an excuse and not a thought that helps me see my life positively as it once did. It has lost its meaning!
Because some of the events are so unfair and terrifying! I've been living them for months and I can't take it anymore! Why didn't you stop me earlier and let me take that damned diabetic injection! Why didn't you warn me! The Ozempic! Why? Tell me why?
These 22 weeks, those 22 damned injections... My insides scream as I write all this! 22 weeks of daily vomiting, dizziness, intense fainting spells... they broke me psychologically! And even though I stopped it 1.5 months ago, I still can't bend over without vomiting, I can't eat because I dissolve into dizziness and vomiting! I'm even afraid to lie down and sleep!
You knew what would happen to me and didn't put an obstacle in this path so I wouldn't walk it, like you put so many obstacles in my way for 48 whole years! 48 miserable years! You constantly send me half-help instead of complete help, why? Tell me why?
I have been so deeply and intensely hurt by your last incomplete help! I am furious because I want to live! Because I deserve to live! Because instead of helping me completely and in pleasant ways, you choose to bring me pain and misery! You overestimate my endurance!
If you sent me so much pain again to teach me something or to lead me somewhere, DO IT WITH PLEASANT SITUATIONS! DON'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU'VE EXHAUSTED ME?!!!
If you wanted to help me, first send me the good, the right help in the most positive way possible, and then hit me with the "slaps" you want so I don't despair, because how will I despair when I see the light/solution in front of me!
Yes, okay, my way of thinking is to blame, but you also have a share of the responsibility every time my wings are cut again! You don't help me in a positive way! I don't want to feel anger, rage, or injustice! Especially so intensely! I can't control what I feel! You made me stop the stress pill to do some tests and I am drowning in uncontrollable negative feelings! Why? Explain to me why this had to happen, will you?
I have been deprived for so long of being able to go out alone! I have been deprived for so long of being able to sit at the computer for hours and create! So many unfinished things have piled up that I can't complete!
anger
God
injustice
responsibility
pain
health
seeking help
unhappiness
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